Let’s talk about sex! How many of you are actually talking about sex? Not just the fly-by comment, but sit down with a friend or better, your partner and actually talk about sex? Let’s face it, talking about sex hasn’t been part of our culture for decades, if ever at all. In psychological research, the topic of sex is relatively new (Price, 2020). Freud dabbled in it; he attempted couples therapy and shortly after beginning he wrote an article condemning the process and anyone who thought it might be helpful and stuck to individual therapy and talking about your childhood.
So, if Freud couldn’t even do it, how do we think we’re supposed to do it? Fortunately, times are changing, and we can feel a little more relaxed about the topic. So, who should we be having the sex talk with? That’s a great question, and the answer is going to depend on the type of sex talk you’re interested in having. Here are the steps to get started (steps apply to ALL people, gender, and sexual orientation):
- Find a moment to yourself. Maybe in your car on your way to work, or on a walk with your dog, or even putting your laundry away (it’s been sitting there for a couple of days, might as well take care of that while you can). Have a conversation about sex with yourself. If possible, I highly recommend talking out loud. This might sound strange, but let’s be honest, how many of you have walked around the grocery store talking out loud? Or is it just me?? Same idea here. Do this a few times to really dial into the heart of the matter.
- If you’re single, feel free to continue the self-talk practice. You’ll be amazed at how much clarity you can achieve by doing this. If you’re coupled, make arrangements with your partner to have some conversation time without the kids around. Since you’ve spent a little time in self-talk you should have a pretty good idea of the topics you’re wanting to discuss.
- Here’s the hard part. How do you start the conversation with someone else? My personal favorite is “I want to talk about sex baby, I want to talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be.” Salt ‘n Pepper had the right idea. “I want to discuss all the good things and the bad things about sex.” It is ok to be vulnerable. It’s ideal if you are. For those singles reading this the rule for couples applies to you as well. The only difference is you’re talking to a friend, but everyone is attempting to normalize the conversation. If this process is harder to achieve than you expected, reach out to a sex coach. It’s ok to ask for help when it comes to sexual goals. We know this isn’t an easy topic to have and we are here to help you.
Things you might want to discuss with yourself and your partner:
- Not having enough sex. Having too much sex.
- Not feeling sexual enough.
- Illness diagnosis has halted your sexuality.
- You want sex, but you don’t want sex.
- You’re single and thinking no one is interested.
These are real concerns that stop most of us in our tracks. But what if I told you that each of these concerns can be conquered. The first thing to do is to have a conversation with yourself to get to the heart of the matter. Once you’ve identified the issue or concern, you now have the ability to realign and enjoy sex and the conversation.
Price, G. C., Jansen, K. L., & Weick, M. R. (2020). Let’s talk about sex: Ethical considerations in survey research with minority populations. Translational Issues in Psychological Science, 6(3), 214–222. https://doi-org.proxy1.ncu.edu/10.1037/tps0000270